Shitty Thanksgiving (mom’s dementia DX)

[NPTim]

So the holidays haven’t disappointed, I found out that mom has been diagnosed with vascular dementia. Thanks cigarettes and diabetes. This more for me to chronicle the trajectory of mom’s disease, but all input is welcome. I am a slow responder to shitty news. Yesterday, my anxiety and depression has manifested itself physically with my right trapezoid being tight as a Watch spring.

My sister, the middle child, is on the front line for this. She does this for a living also, only in older folks than my mom, 83 y/o. My sister reports that she took mom to her PCP appointment. They were going to do a baseline ECG and gave mom a folded paper gown to cover her torso. My sister, the MA and the Dr. stepped out, waited and knocked then entered the room. Mom was topless and had the still folded gown placed on her shoulder and said, “I don’t think this will cover me.” In medicine we call this a sign and not a good sign.

Mom was started on aricept and mom reports it has helped some. Mom has lost some executive function, can’t follow recipes and directions and is failing to pay bills.

So here is the confounding issue. Mom has always had issues with paying bills. From her 30’s at least. Every once and awhile our power or water would get shut off. She has forgotten her children on occasion. The earliest example was when she forgot my sisters and me on a cold winter night tobogganing. My mother’s mother was visiting and finally asked after us. Luckily she remembered where she dropped us off. I was 4 or 5 at the time and my little feet were freezing badly.

Then when I was in 4th grade she forgot me at school. She would put her cigarettes in the refrigerator on occasion. Whenever she went looking for them, my sisters and I would ask if she checked the refrigerator, it was a running joke growing up, doesn’t seem so ******* funny now.

I asked her if she wanted my wife and I to move back to NC. She said no. I offered to mover her out here, she again said no. I am her healthcare POA, we long ago had the conversation about here wishes and I am solid on them as are my sisters. Her BP and her diabetes are less well controlled, but not at all bad. My sister reports that mom has said that she doesn’t want to treat them as may only prolong things. I’m not so sure about that. Not treating HTN and DM is a slow miserable way to commit sepuku. It’s death by a thousand cuts, not at all quick.

thats about it for now. I’m be posting more as it happens or I think about it. General musings, angst, etc.

[janice6]

I am sorry for your having to go through this with a loved one.  It is a miserable sentence for all involved.  So far from quick and painless.  Horrible to see a sentient being wither and fade away, while you are overcome with love and grief.  My heart goes out to you and all people with family that must go through this.

I hope your mother and your family find some way to get through this.  God Bless you and yours for taking care of her.    

 

 

Edited November 27, 2017 by janice6

[NPTim]

Well, my sister calls and tells me mom fell and was being transported to the hospital. My sister told me mom’s leg wasn’t shortened or rotated. Turns out it IS broken. My sister is a trooper.

[holyjohnson]

Prayers to you,you`r sis and you`r mom.

God Bless.

[NPTim]

***update***

Mom is in a nice place cam sister. Well, we thought it was nice. They, the staff, forgot about mom completely on Tuesday. This put them on her **** list, understandable. Mom really wants out, NOW.

Mom wants to go to her home. Problem is she let the place fall down around her ears. So she can’t go back there. Besides,my sister has said she can not handle Mom’s care by herself, very understandable.

Mom wants me to come back to take care of her in her house. I’ve been trying to build my practice and a life here in AZ. If NC allowed me independent practice, that might be on the table, but they don’t,  so that’s off the table.

Staying where she is out. She could live with my sister in Texas, along with my sister’s children who hate my mother, always have. My mom is not a people person, so there is that.

Or she can live with my wife and me. We will have to buy a house for this to happen.

Mom’s dementia is progressing faster than I expected.

A question,  Should I be looking on the outskirts or in town closer to services?

[janice6]

I thought about your question and found I am not smart enough to offer a suggestion for you.  Sorry.  God Bless.

[holyjohnson]

On 1/6/2018 at 9:33 PM, NPTim said:

***update***

Mom is in a nice place cam sister. Well, we thought it was nice. They, the staff, forgot about mom completely on Tuesday. This put them on her **** list, understandable. Mom really wants out, NOW.

Mom wants to go to her home. Problem is she let the place fall down around her ears. So she can’t go back there. Besides,my sister has said she can not handle Mom’s care by herself, very understandable.

Mom wants me to come back to take care of her in her house. I’ve been trying to build my practice and a life here in AZ. If NC allowed me independent practice, that might be on the table, but they don’t,  so that’s off the table.

Staying where she is out. She could live with my sister in Texas, along with my sister’s children who hate my mother, always have. My mom is not a people person, so there is that.

Or she can live with my wife and me. We will have to buy a house for this to happen.

Mom’s dementia is progressing faster than I expected.

A question,  Should I be looking on the outskirts or in town closer to services?

 

man,i`m sorry to hear that.

is`nt there a way to get reviews for Assisted living homes in the area,maybe a better place?

i`m not sure in you`r area where the best deals for housing is,in city or suburbs or what.

you got broad shoulders,wish i was more help.

God Bless.

 

[NPTim]

Thanks, I’m barely holding it together. It’s starting to turn ugly with my oldest sister. Oh well, I warmed my mother, she chose not to listen. A hard price to pay as she will soon not remember how she got herself in the pickle she is about to find herself in.

[holyjohnson]

On 1/8/2018 at 10:25 PM, NPTim said:

Thanks, I’m barely holding it together. It’s starting to turn ugly with my oldest sister. Oh well, I warmed my mother, she chose not to listen. A hard price to pay as she will soon not remember how she got herself in the pickle she is about to find herself in.

been awhile Tim.

hows you`r Mom doing?

[NPTim]

Playing her usual reindeer games. Sowing misery and chaos for her enjoyment. The neurologist told her that she shouldn’t go back to her house, so in the blink of an eye, he went from hero to zero mean *******. She is going back home. She’ll hire someone to be at her beckon call. Peel her grapes, fetch her meals, draw her baths, milk baths of course.

my sister there is about to wash her hands of her. This is nothing new. My mother was devastated that I would not leave, “that woman” and rescue her. She can not be helped. She is only “happy” when others are miserable. When I had a car repossessed, she laughed.

she is in for a real **** show and there is not one damn thing that can be done. 

[holyjohnson]

not for nothing but you`r Mom sounds like my Mom`s Mom,i`m certain they named a Hurricane after her.

 

that`s a **** situation man,keep you`r head up and take time for yourself.

[NPTim]

Well, mom is back in her house with 24/7 aides. My sisters were there for the transition. I guess it will be one fire to the next. Just waiting for the next crisis.

[NPTim]

So I came to visit mom at my sister’s behest. My sister said mom was going down hill fast. I got there and mom is fine. I spoke with the caregiver and she confirmed that mom doesn’t need 24/7 caregivers. Mom gave away her car, gave up (voluntarily) her credit cards, and my sister has to counter sign all checks over $250.

My assessment is mom would be fine with 4 hours a day of caregiver, mainly for help running errands. She needs a life alert that is cellular based. She also desperately needs new level walk ways in front and back of the house. What she has now is dangerous.

Mom has lost around 5-10% function, not horrible at age 82. My sister is hysterical, not funny hysterical, like panicking hysterical.

[pipedreams]

All I can say is dang.  My wife had a good friend that had similar problem.  Not much one can do except toughen up and work your way through. 

[NPTim]

Well, this will be interesting. Chapel Hill has 12” of “sneaky water” (snow) on the ground. No care takers. I ain’t scared. I think mom’s with it enough to got to the hotel 100 yards away if the power goes out.

[TX OMFS]

Just saw this thread. Sorry Tim. My dad has Alzheimer's. It's a bitch.

[NPTim]

Mom has slipped some, but not as much as I was expecting. My sisters paint a bleak picture, like mom has one foot in the grave and another on a banana peel. From talking to her, she still carries on a decent conversation. I sent my uncle’s best wishes to her and she asked after his wife. My uncle has been divorced for a couple of decades, she wasn’t aware, she knew about it when it happened, she told me as a matter of fact.

This shook me a bit.

[Rellik]

There is a you tube chn called CareBlazers.  It is encouragement for the care givers and how to work with the associated problems.  

My mom is 87, and lives a few houses from me.  She has been getting forgetful, and in time. I'll have to put her in a place.  But enough about my stuff.  I know you're guys will be here when I need to vent.  

[NPTim]

There is a woman, Teepa Snow, that specializes in the care of people with dementia. She is outstanding and helps both parties deal with with dementia with dignity.

[NPTim]

This story has ended. Mom passed away today. She caught a cold this weekend that rapidly turned into what my mother like to call, “the old people’s friend”, pneumonia.