pipedreams

A young farm couple, Homer and Darlene, got married and just couldn't seem to get enough lovin': In the morning, before Homer left the house for the fields, they made love. When Homer came back from the fields, they made love. And again at bedtime, they made love. The problem was their nooner; it took Homer a half hour to travel home and another half hour to return to the fields and he just wasn't getting enough work done. Finally Homer asked the family doctor what to do. "Homer." Said the doctor. "Just take your rifle out to the field with you and when you're in the mood, fire off a shot into the air. That will be Darlene's signal to come out to you. Then you won't lose any field time." They tried Doc's advice and it worked well for a while. Homer came back to the doctor's office. "What's wrong?" Asked the Doc. "Didn't my idea work?" "Oh, it worked real good." Said Homer. "Whenever I was in the mood, I fired off a shot like you said and Darlene'd come runnin'. We'd find a secluded place, make love, and then she'd go back home again." "Good, Homer. So what's the problem?" Asked the Doc. "I ain't seen her since huntin' season started." Credit: Lillian Little

The Year Mom Blew Up the Turkey! A Tall but True Texas Tale. It was the early '70s. Reynolds had just came out with Brown-in-Bags for turkeys and Mom thought she would give it a go. So we're all sitting around in the family room watching the parade and whatnot, while Mom slaved away in the kitchen, shouting out "Is it ready yet?" every 15 minutes. It sure was smelling good! Finally Mom plopped down in her chair and said it would be ready just as soon as the rolls were done. Suddenly there was a loud explosion! We ran into the kitchen and the oven door was hanging by one hinge and there was turkey and juices everywhere! Mom just sat down and started crying. We all pitched in to clean up the mess and even salvaged enough turkey (still in the pan) for the meal. Days later we see on the news we weren't the only ones that happened to. There were at least 12 other families reporting the same thing. What happened was there was insufficient venting causing the bird to build up pressure and eventually explode. Let me tell you, that was some of the best turkey I've ever eaten, but Mom was done roasting turkeys. From there on out we got a smoked bird from the local meat market. Then laughed and retold the story of how Mom Blew Up the Turkey every Thanksgiving thereafter.