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The 12 Days of Christmas - a modern take

SC Tiger

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The 12 days of Christmas came on the radio last night and it got me thinking.  This song needs a serious update.  I went through it and came up with some issues.


12 drummers drumming – unless there’s a heavy metal concert in town, what in the hell am I supposed to do with this?  Other than make Excedrin’s sales quote for the year and run the neighbors nuts anyway.  Might drown out his dog at least.  And I thought giving a kid a drum set was a bad idea.

11 pipers piping – this could go multiple ways but what am I supposed to do with all of these guys?  Are they plumbers? Or are they smoking a different kind of pipe?  Those are already in abundance around here.  I don't need any more, thanks.

10 lords a leaping – how high can they leap?  Maybe I can get a decent basketball team out of them.  Can they shoot the J?  Play defense?  Pass?

9 ladies dancing – NOW we’re talking.  This might not end well though – it kind of depends on the type of ‘dancing’ though.  Is a pole involved?  Probably not the best gift idea from my "true love" unless she's testing the hell out of me.

8 maids a-milking – unless they’re giving me a herd of dairy cows what am I supposed to do with this?  Now – if you change it to 8 maids-a-dusting-and-cleaning-and-picking-up-all-the-crap-I-leave-everywhere, maybe we have something here.

7 Swans a-swimming.  So these seven swans are just outside somewhere?  Do I have to catch them?  And what the hell am I supposed to do with them when I get them?

6 Geese-a-laying – last I checked laying a goose egg is a bad thing.  Maybe they’re sending me the Cleveland Browns? If so, keep ‘em.  No thanks.

5 Golden Rings – NOW we have something we can use.  If gold hits the $50,000 an ounce especially.  Looking at you, Glocksanity

4 Calling birds – does anyone actually “call” anymore?  Shouldn’t this be 4 “texting” birds or 4 “facetiming” birds?  And do I have to pay their cell phone bills?

3 French Hens – more egg layers.  And plus, these are cheese-eating surrender monkey egg layers.  Great.  Plus it looks like my back yard is now a chicken coop.  Fantastic.

2 Turtle Doves – I don’t even know what this is.

A partridge in a pear tree.  Which Partridge is it?  That show was a long time ago.  I’d be worried about any of them climbing a tree at their age.  Donnie Bonaduchi is already screwed up as it is.


So in conclusion my “true love” is sticking me with 23 birds, 17 women, and 22 dudes jumping around and making noise.  I think I might need to dump this bitch.

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I get the 12 days.

The Season of Christmas begins on Dec. 25 and runs through Twelfth Night on January 5th followed by the Feast of the Epiphany on Jan. 6th which begins the Epiphany Season.  12 days from the celebration of Jesus' birth to the celebration of the arrival of the Magi.  

But why all these entertainers and livestock show up one day at a time, I haven't a clue.  Although, we could have a pretty good feast if the lords, ladies, & maids would start butchering and basting all those birds.

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16 hours ago, Mrs.Cicero said:

In my world, since my birthday is today (the 12th), the twelve days of Xmas begin tomorrow and end on Xmas Day. Funny how everyone in my family goes along with this...



Happy Belated BD!!


M wife's cousin's BD is Xmas day. Talk about a rip off. lol

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