Schmidt Meister's Grab Bag

Schmidt Meister · July 22, 2022

I have seen many, variations of this lately and I modified it to more aptly fit Florida:

In regards to all the people wanting to move to Florida from New York and California as well as many other heavily populated liberal cities across the country, and for those just wanting to come to visit:
Before you come to Florida you must be aware and understand what exactly is happening here. There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers.
So, if you plan on moving here, or just plan on vacationing near our rivers, springs, beaches, or lakes this summer, I think you should know that black widow and brown recluse spiders (which are deadly poisonous), fire ants and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to dryer than usual weather. The woods will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers.
Our lakes are full of gators, fresh water sharks, along with huge bald and golden eagles that are known to snatch small children and animals.
Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the bushes and gangs of old guys wearing overalls.
Starving Florida panthers have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.
The local coyote population are all 'in heat' and are roaming city streets looking for unaware prey and they are getting braver.
Snakes ... don’t even get me started on the water moccasins and copperheads here, and the diamondback rattlesnakes and coral snakes, all of whom are involved in mating and can be highly irritable.
The poison ivy, sumac and poison oak have overtaken all other vegetation. This plants can cause debilitating itching, extreme diarrhea and uncontrollable vomiting.
We have had bear sightings at every park and town and they are after your picnic baskets … and more than our normal number of cougars have been spotted in motel rooms and bars.
Watch out for the flocks of great horned owls, they have been extremely aggressive this season.
Porcupines are attacking small children should they dare to wonder to close to woods and rural vegetation.
Skunks have multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the local campgrounds in packs looking for beer.
We’ve got great swarms of yellow jackets and they need no provocation.
And we shouldn’t even need to warn you about the notorious Florida Man that have been multiplying at tremendous rates and can be encountered at almost every convenience store and back roads should be considered off limits.
Oh, and no one is vaccinated or wearing masks.
I hear Kentucky and Ohio are really nice though.