Problems

[Moshe]

I have a problem, I finally pieced together about being emotional and angry.  MetLife wants to harass me about my disability, but they wanted every agency and times that I went through.  Besides the usual invasive things they put in.  But, my reaction, when I thought about it was the people I had lost.  I guess I try to shove in the back of my mind.  But, it keeps coming out.  Classmates, most of the cool guys I worked with on the SOG team mowed down by modified cartel AK-47's on U.S. soil.  A partner of mine made a street pizza right after the day I worked with him.  A best friend, whose rather unorthodox raid jacket I kept after his death.  Just a lot of memories I tried to compartmentalize and they just like picking at it like sore that never really heals.  Losing people never stops hurting, no matter the time frame.  There is survivor guilt, I suppose.  If I could only been there to shove my shift partner out of the way of the truck that was speeding on the access.  If only I had asked for an extension to SOG, and killed the shooters with the cool .40 UMP'S that were issued.  If only I could have been there for my classmate to help him immediately after he rolled his vehicle in a pursuit.  

When I became a Team Leader, later in my career to teach Federal Prosecutions, I treated my guys well, taking them out of lunch, etc.  Or, as a Acting Supervisor, I never lost anyone.  Point being there is still a problem there, that I try to cordon off as "Don't go there," and when those blood suckers want my entire professional history it hit a really hard chord.  I guess that was why my screaming Dexter was my mood yesterday.  I know some of you understand.