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I lost my dad today.....


astepup
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My dad passed away today around 6:30 pm. I'm still not quite accepting it though. I've been making all the phone calls that need to be made, answering others. It's so surreal to have him doing better even though he was fighting cancer to three weeks later being called up to join his parents. We both had the same reaction about two weeks ago or so when the Dr told us dad's PSA number went from 90 to 445 in just under three months. Dad even looked at him and asked "So is this the beginning of the end?" and his Dr said "Yes John I'm sorry to say that it is". The Doc was hopeful that he'd be able to get dad well and strong enough again to go pheasant hunting a few more times (something he was seriously passionate about) but sadly that wasn't the case. It got to the point today where I had to make the decision. Keep him on oxygen to keep him alive, or let him go. I couldn't make it alone so I relied on my son, daughter, SIL, aunt (dad's sister) and two of his beloved cousins to make the decision for (or with) me depending on who you were. He was adamant that he did not want to be on a ventilator and actually got mad at the nurses at even the suggestion. He had a DNR order in place but that was for if he were in a coma or vegetative state, that he didn't want to be kept alive by a machine. I know somewhere inside me I made the right decision, doing what I believe he wanted, yet I'm now at home feeling pangs of guilt. The only option was to hook up a feeding tube and get him to a nursing home where he'd stay like that for only God knows how long. I have a feeling I'll be spending the better part of my life asking myself if there wasn't more I could have done.

My biological parents divorced when i was five years old. My mom remarried my dad and he ended up adopting both myself and my sister. As far as I'm concerned he was, is and forever shall be the only dad I've ever had. God knows I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but whatever good qualities I have as a man I learned from him. He always tried to raise me right and to be honest with those I deal with and stand up for what I believe in even if others around me said otherwise. We had some good arguments politically (he actually voted Democrat sometimes) and always seemed to have CNN on when I stopped by his house. I think he'd see me pull in the driveway and turn it on just to get my goat! :supergrin:

I now feel...lost, scared, confused and unsure of myself. How will I be able to function without my dad around to give good advice, help me when I need it and be there for me when it counts the most? There wasn't much I couldn't tell my dad, he was my best friend, confidant and one of the few people on this Earth I could unquestionably trust. Everything I know about farming I learned from my grandpa and my dad. Most of what I know about life I learned from them as well. One thing I do know without question. I'm going to miss him every single day for the rest of my life. Through his hard work he left behind a farming operation that will be passed to my children and grandchildren after I'm gone. I'm betting being in a tractor in the middle of a field will never feel the same again.

I pointed out to my aunt that today, November 19, is the anniversary of my grandma's death. Thirty years ago to the day dad's mom passed away. I know dad made his peace with the Lord a long time ago (he was a lifetime member of our congregation) and was even able to recite the Lord's Prayer with our retired pastor (and avid bird hunter) when he came to visit. I've no doubt where he is now and that he is indeed at peace. My only hope at this point is that I can live up to the expectations I have on myself because of the things he taught me. 

I'm going to miss him every single day until I see him again.

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So sorry to hear this. My most heartfelt condolences are given.

Hold on to the good times and memories of/with your father. As long as you do so, he continues to live in you.

I hope you somehow find peace with you decision as you know it was what your father wanted.



Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G935A using Tapatalk

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It’s over twenty years since my dad passed and I still miss him.  But because of that, I know your dad’s advice and strength will always be with you.  He will help you get through the pain, and help you with the guilt, because he raised you right, and he taught you the wisdom that helped him to raise you.  

Your dad will be with you, and you will laugh with him as you see or hear things that made him laugh, enjoy things he would have enjoyed, even talk things over with him.  He left in you a piece of himself, even if you don’t feel it now.  You will feel it.  

But for now, for you and your family and friends, may God bless you and keep you, make His light to shine on you, and give you peace.  Prayers for all of you.

Hawk

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I'm truly sorry for your loss, one that we all must experience at some point.

If you can find comfort in the fact that he did not wish to languish away with tubes for breathing and nutrition, you may find peace in upholding his wishes when he was too weak to do so himself. You and your family stood up for him and allowed him to pass with dignity.

It's obvious that you believe that the cessation of what we consider life here on earth to not be the end, and that he is in a much finer place. There's more than peace in that thought, but also rejoicing.

 

Take your time, grieve in your own way. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

Edited by tadbart
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Since everyone else has offered condolences, I'll try to help with the practicalities.

There are 5 stages of grieving. Read up on them and be ready for them.

Exercise, rest, drink water, eat healthy, be mindful of your sleeping habbits. Go to bed at the same time, get up at the same time.

It sucks, but it's part of life. Don't dwell in the past, life goes on. Be happy you're alive, every day.

 

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I am sorry to hear about your dad passing away. I am adopted. Never knew my biological parents. The people that adopted me have been my 'real' parents for my entire life. My dad passed away 34 years ago. It still hurts sometimes. My mom passed away this summer. That one hurt too. My advice is to take care of yourself. It's easy to let yourself go and that is not a good thing. Hang in there and keep us posted on how you are doing. We really do care.

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