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British Humour ( Oldies but they still bring a SMILE )


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I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,

"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"

"Not really." he said. "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

______________________________ __________


Angela Merkel arrives at Passport Control in Athens airport. "Nationality?" asks the immigration officer. 

"German," she replies.


"No, just here for a few days."

______________________________ __________

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams: 

"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."

______________________________ __________

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night.

Or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

______________________________ __________

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday. 

Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

______________________________ __________

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. 

Then I remembered the local cafe serves breakfast until 11.30.

______________________________ __________


Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

______________________________ __________

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a burglar sneaking through next door's garden. 

Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly. 

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!"

I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

______________________________ __________

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force. The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted." 

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"

______________________________ __________

Theatre Seats for Seniors ..........

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre and when the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient: "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." 

Once again, the old man just muttered and did nothing.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together, the two of them tried repeatedly to move the man, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Joe," the old man moaned.

"Where are you from, Joe?" asked the police officer.

With a terrible strain in his voice, and without moving, Joe replied...

"The balcony"

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