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Perfect parents exist. They just don't have kids yet. 
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store phone numbers is doing now?
Everyone is normal - until you get to know them. 
The phrase "Don't take this the wrong way" has a 0% success rate. 
Time is precious. Waste it wisely. 
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels.
Happy 3rd birthday to the jar of pickles sitting in my fridge.
They should invent a Sunday that doesn't have a Monday right after it.
Did you know that the word incorrectly is spelled incorrectly in every dictionary?
U come from dust and U return to dust. That's why I don't dust. Could be someone I know.
Being abducted by aliens just must be the vacation I need at this point.
You know you're old when you have upstairs ibuprofen and downstairs ibuprofen.
I'm sorry. Did I roll my eyes too loud? 
I'm catholic. Been addicted to cats all my life. 
I'm reading a book titled "Quick Money for Dummies" by Robin Banks.
Karma Cafe now serves just desserts.
Eyes hurt from excess screen time? There's a nap for that.
When you teach a wolf to meditate it becomes aware wolf.
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A young guy asked me once at work, how do you know you are raising your child correctly?

I told him that the best you can do is to raise your child with your sense of values.  If you have done this, it's the best you can do!

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