This happened today

[miketx]

The wife went to the store and I was cooking up some bacon. I took the three pieces out and lay them in the pan, getting raw bacon grease on my hands. I turned the stove on and then had to go to the little boys room. I didn't wash my hands until I got back to the kitchen. Before I could do anything else there was a knock on the door, I opened it and it was the 40 something widow from next door. I invited her in and she said she wanted to talk to my wife about a quilt and I told her to take a seat and my wife would be back soon. Unfortunately she stumbled and fell toward me knocking us both down with her landing awkwardly on top of me about halfway down. She got a funny look on her face and said, "Do you have bacon grease on your dick", and I said yes. Well, the next few minutes were unbelievable. I never expected that. Said she'd be back.

Weird.

 

;)

[DAKA]

8 hours ago, miketx said:

The wife went to the store and I was cooking up some bacon. I took the three pieces out and lay them in the pan, getting raw bacon grease on my hands. I turned the stove on and then had to go to the little boys room. I didn't wash my hands until I got back to the kitchen. Before I could do anything else there was a knock on the door, I opened it and it was the 40 something widow from next door. I invited her in and she said she wanted to talk to my wife about a quilt and I told her to take a seat and my wife would be back soon. Unfortunately she stumbled and fell toward me knocking us both down with her landing awkwardly on top of me about halfway down. She got a funny look on her face and said, "Do you have bacon grease on your dick", and I said yes. Well, the next few minutes were unbelievable. I never expected that. Said she'd be back.

Weird.

 

That's your story?  Oh boy .... did your wife believe it?

[Maser]

Total bullshit story.  No man only eats 3 pieces of bacon. 

[gwalchmai]

I thought these stories were made up.

[miketx]

3 hours ago, gwalchmai said:

I thought these stories were made up.

No, it happened, I'm not lying this time.

[railfancwb]

26 minutes ago, miketx said:

No, it happened, I'm not lying this time.

“…this time…” raises questions. 

[Huaco Kid]

13 hours ago, miketx said:

 "Do you have bacon grease on your dick"

"Why?  Are you on a diet?"

[Maser]

Not even trying to make an anti-cop joke here, but putting the bacon thing aside for a second, isn't "dick" another name for a cop? 

[Walt Longmire]

Dear Penthouse Forum..........

[miketx]

52 minutes ago, Maser said:

Not even trying to make an anti-cop joke here, but putting the bacon thing aside for a second, isn't "dick" another name for a cop? 

Jesus Christ, see a shrink.

[miketx]

Ok, you all like that story, except for that one weirdo, so here's more! 

 

My trip to the store

I needed some jalapenos for my omelet so I went to the local non-walmart grocery store and got me about 4 of them. That's all, 4. I put them in the little produce area plastic baggy and went to the check out. So, at the check out, the cashier is Eva Braun. This old bitch makes me show my ID to buy cigs for my wife, even though any moron can see I'm an old man, and then when I gripe about it she always spews out some libtard bullshit like, "We have to make sure, it's for your own good!" ******* old k*nt! I'd like to ass rape her 80 year old ass with a rancid celery stalk!.

Anyway, I go up there with my baggie of jalapeños and she scans them and it's 27 cents. I grab the bag and the mind dead old man bag boy pulls them from me and says paper or plastic? So not having paid for them yet, I open my wallet pull out a dollar bill and my debit card and ask him the same thing. "Paper or plastic?" The jew burning old bitch cashier just glares at me and say's "That comes to .27 cents." So, I give her the dollar and then she asks me, for the ten trillionth time, "Are playing monopoly, and do you have a rewards cards?" I say, no, like I always do, and then again for the ten trillionth time she says, "Do you want one?" Jesus I hate this old bitch. "No, Arrrghhhhggg!" I say, in my best Sam Kinison. Then it's back to dealing with the mind dead sacker.

Again he asks, "Paper or plastic?" And while I'm tempted to pull my .357 magnum and shoot him in the mouth, instead I say, "Oh, I dunno, which would you recommend?" He thinks for a moment and says, "Well, now that's up to you!" So I say, "You've worked here since Fred ******* Flintstone was in high school, and you don't have an opinion on which one is better? Why not?" Help me decide I say. He just snickers, like the ******* nazi asswipe he so clearly is and asks again, "Paper or plastic?" I''m real tempted to say, "Full metal jacket or hollow point?", but instead I say, "I'll just take them like they are in the produce plastic baggie they are already in!" Then, in a moment of full lucidity, he says, "So, you don't want a bag?"

I woke up several hours later, at home, wondering if it really happened or was it all a bad dream. The only thing that was proof was that on the counter lay a bag of jalapenos....I need to start drinking again.




The guy in line behind me


Got up, too early, had to go to the store for milk and antacid for the Mrs. It's cold as **** out and not much traffic, so I go to the local affiliated. Like I said it's early so the store traffic is light and I walk in and do my shopping. It's a well stocked store, a little pricey, but the only other place is the local walmart and it's farther away and bigger, so it's harder to get in and out real quick. Anyway, I load my hand basket with the items I came for and head to the check out. There's only one cashier working and there's a small line already there, but it looks like each customer only has a few items. It's not like I have a choice anyway so I get in line. The cashier is a trim 70 something female retiree I've seen in here before, and the sacker, his name is Bob. I recall him from when he used to work at the local walmart. I guess he got tired of all the pc crap over there!

Anywho, the first guy in line is some Rambo looking soldier of fortune type, you know, buzz cut, cargo pants, hunters vest and all, and all he has is one little bag of some kind of produce. Looks like he's too old to play soldier. He puts it on the counter, the lady scans it and says "That comes to .27 cents." Bob whisks up the sack of stuff before the guy can grab it and says, "paper or plastic?" Funny, here, the dude opens his wallet, pulls out a dollar and a CC and says right back to him, "paper or plastic!" I almost laughed out loud! Then Grandma Walton tells him again it's .27 cents and he lays the dollar down and old Bob says paper or plastic again! The guy looks at him real funny and then says, "Well Bob, help me out here. You've obviously worked here since the Flintstones and Bedrock, so what kind of a crummy ******* sack would you recommend? I mean which one is better and gives me the best chance of getting my four jalapenos safely home before grandma here calls the PoPo on me?"

Seriously, I thought the old bag was going to wet her pants and Bob, well he just stood there like "WTF?" Then, before anyone could move, Rambo whisked up his stuff and walked out the door, leaving his change on the counter. "Keep the change," he said as he sauntered out of the store.



How the evil checker saw it


I usually don't post this kind of stuff, but the day before yesterday, I had the most awful experience at work. You see, I'm a checker in a small town grocery store and I have to deal with all kinds. We have this one guy that comes in every few weeks, and he really burns my buns! He's always wearing sloppy looking clothes and old work shirts and he never wants to answer my questions! I mean what's the matter with asking if he plays our wonderful monopoly game? He's so anal! He even told me he would not show me his drivers license to buy cigarettes for his wife, of all the nerve! I'd bet he's a Trump voter!

Well, let me start at the beginning.

He came in in day before yesterday and as usual, he came by my check out lane. I looked over at Bob the bag man and gave him my knowing look, so he would be prepared for this miscreant. He walked up and placed a small bag of jalapenos on the counter, and that's all he had! I passed it over the scanner and it rang up .27 cents. Bob looked at him and said "Paper or plastic", like he always does, and this jerk grabbed the bag before Bob could and pulled out a dollar bill and a credit card and said "Paper or plastic?", right back at Bob! I wanted to hit him but he always has this strange looking bulge in his pants so, I knew what that meant. I said, "That will be .27 cents," and he threw his dollar down on the counter and just glared at me, like has was getting sexually aroused or something. What a freak!

Well, the next thing I knew Bob had jumped in and saved the day and asked this dirty man if he wanted paper or plastic, and he asked Bob which one he recommended! Like it made a difference or something! Like he could question us! Well, Bob told him it was up to him and this old bastard started taunting Bob and telling him something about that old Flintstones cartoon and all, and it went right over my head! I don't know what the was talking about! Well I was getting so scared and all I was just about to press the security alert button when he suddenly grabbed his bag of peppers, and walked out without saying another word! I tell you, the nerve of this person asking us paper or plastic. If had a dick, that was where i would have told him to suck it! Bob asked him again about the bag style, but he just kept walking!

I'm so stressed I had to take pill.

[miketx]

 

   It's a shame really, because all the mechanics ain't got no work.  Just yesterday I was passing by Rick's Auto Repair and door knob sales and his shop was empty.  Rick was standing in the doorway with that sad look on his face that you get when you know you've lost something but you don't know how to get it back.  I guess door knob sales aren't so good. Funny thing though, what with all the cars not breaking down, I don't miss fixing them.  And no, I don't have to sell door knobs to make a living. 

   I think it must have been new year's day when it happened. When the cars stopped breaking down, that is.  Even my cat George noticed it. You see, whenever I would come home from work, George would be waiting up for me to be sure that I got there, because sometimes my old truck would break down and I would be late. Now he's always asleep when I get home. That's how I know he knows.  Sometimes he raises an eye to make sure it's me, then he just goes back to sleep.

   I still try to do maintenance on my truck though, but the last time I changed the oil, it was still like new . Heck, even the oil in our cars don't break down. So I just drive it from home, to work, and to the store. But, you still gotta put gas in it.  You can buy tools real cheap now too, even those big name brand ones that used to cost 40 dollars for a wrench.  What with all the cars not breaking down, I guess the tool companies are hurting. 

  People were happy at first, seeing how nobody ever likes having to pay somebody to fix their car, but not so much now.  I think cars not breaking down anymore is hurting a lot more stuff than they first thought it would. They call this the trickle down effect. You know, something happens and its effect slowly trickles down through all facets of society until everyone is affected.

  Car lots aren't doing much either because nobody needs to buy a car after they got tired of their old one always being in the shop. They got a 2-year-old Corvette in town advertised for 1200.00 dollars. Bet they'll take 800.  And did I mention nobody buys auto parts anymore?  Yeah, go figure. Cars don't break down so who needs an alternator or starter? Not me.

  There was a news program on TV last week about all the mechanics being out of work and how it was hurting the economy and stuff, and they had some ex-mechanics on the program being interviewed. They were all saying how they couldn't understand what happened, and that they couldn't make a living now and didn't know what to do.  Then later they had some oil company guys on the program saying oil sales are down.  Junk yards are going out of business too, it seems.

   Some scientist types were postulating that the comet that recently passed by very close to us had some kind of effect on our magnetic field because of some funky kind of forces they measured in the comet, but they don't really know how or why.  One of them said something about the comet passing so close, and the distortion on our magnetic field was so powerful, that it created an inter-spatial blending on certain mechanical devices so that they sort of exist just a little bit in and out of our space-time reality. He said it was like you had one foot on earth and the other on an Einstein-Rosen bridge, whatever that is.  I don't think that I ever seen one anyway.  He said you could still use the affected machines but they weren't subject to the rules of the here and now. I wish I could have asked him how he knew all this but he was in the TV.  You notice they always have those people that know everything in the TV or radio so you can't ask them anything?

  So I suppose I picked the right time to get out of the mechanic business and start doing what I do now, but then that's a whole different can of wormholes.

 

[miketx]

Days in dreams past


Once again I am in second grade, and I am wearing only my underwear and my white soft cloth cotton gloves that my friend gave me from his 20 pak he bought for 9.99. How can this be? In second grade I had not met my cotton glove philanthropist, unless, well, maybe this is a kind of time travel paradox, where my grandfather does not exist. The other kids are looking at me and my white cotton fruit of the looms and before I can react, I'm suddenly in another portal.

The alien ship is somewhere and I must go 'round to all and seek out assistance. My long dead step father is there also, but clearly, he is one of the aliens. That is the only way he can be there. I find the old parked Volvo and turn the ball valve on the exhaust pipe that lets the black alien goo be purged. As it comes out the time worn Volvos pipe, my dead step father intervenes and shuts it off. Saving the black putrid goo which the aliens use for unknown purpose. Then portal 3 takes me and I am face to face with the alien but he does not want to deal with me so he lays down for a nap. I wake up in the dream and still see a Toyota sitting there, an ominous hint of failures to come. The bolts don't fit it, and they are blaming me for the spark plugs.

Suddenly, I switch to another portal, and I find myself in a grocery store, shopping, but nothing has a price, and try as I may, interaction with store employees is blocked! It is if I do not exist yet here I am, trying to shop and everything is priceless. Or, maybe the word is un-priced...I don't know. All I know is the memories of these travels are powerful, as I soar like a bird in my dream, to fly over my town that I can't remember. I finally awaken and all is normal once again. I am relieved. I find a feather in my bed...I hope it is a refugee from a pillow.....

Later dreaming again, back in the portal, I was at the Volvo turning the same ball valve to let out the goo. This time there was a hole dug in the ground, that oddly looked like a cemetery plot. It was close to the Volvo, to close to be a coincidence. I turned the switch in my mind and was back in the portal with the alien on his ship. He, she, or it was still sleeping, if that was what it was. I crept around and took what I needed. The purple hose was just lying there for the taking as were the strangely human like worm track hose clamps. I took two of them, along with the purple hose and tools that resembled a screw driver. I flicked back to the landscape where I had to deal with the Volvo. in the distance I could see my dead step father approaching and knew I had to get to work.

I unrolled the hose, attaching it to one end of the cars exhaust pipe and double clamping it. The screw driver fit perfectly, and I pulled the open end to the grave like plot that was suddenly there. Maybe the portals retain a consistency from trip to trip, I don't know. Back at the Volvo, I open the ball valve and the black, putrid goo rushed out and began to fill the grave slowly. I pulled the hose away from the plot and disconnected it from the Volvo's pipe and put it in the back seat. Then I watched. Three people appeared close by and walked up to the goo filled plot, got down on their stomachs, and began to consume the goo, like cattle, boneless cattle. Their lifeless dead eyes staring at nothing as I watched. Suddenly I was back in portal 1, squirming in my desk wondering how, why.....

[DAKA]

On 6/13/2022 at 12:54 PM, miketx said:

Ok, you all like that story, except for that one weirdo, so here's more! 

 

My trip to the store

I needed some jalapenos for my omelet so I went to the local non-walmart grocery store and got me about 4 of them. That's all, 4. I put them in the little produce area plastic baggy and went to the check out. So, at the check out, the cashier is Eva Braun. This old bitch makes me show my ID to buy cigs for my wife, even though any moron can see I'm an old man, and then when I gripe about it she always spews out some libtard bullshit like, "We have to make sure, it's for your own good!" ******* old k*nt! I'd like to ass rape her 80 year old ass with a rancid celery stalk!.

Anyway, I go up there with my baggie of jalapeños and she scans them and it's 27 cents. I grab the bag and the mind dead old man bag boy pulls them from me and says paper or plastic? So not having paid for them yet, I open my wallet pull out a dollar bill and my debit card and ask him the same thing. "Paper or plastic?" The jew burning old bitch cashier just glares at me and say's "That comes to .27 cents." So, I give her the dollar and then she asks me, for the ten trillionth time, "Are playing monopoly, and do you have a rewards cards?" I say, no, like I always do, and then again for the ten trillionth time she says, "Do you want one?" Jesus I hate this old bitch. "No, Arrrghhhhggg!" I say, in my best Sam Kinison. Then it's back to dealing with the mind dead sacker.

Again he asks, "Paper or plastic?" And while I'm tempted to pull my .357 magnum and shoot him in the mouth, instead I say, "Oh, I dunno, which would you recommend?" He thinks for a moment and says, "Well, now that's up to you!" So I say, "You've worked here since Fred ******* Flintstone was in high school, and you don't have an opinion on which one is better? Why not?" Help me decide I say. He just snickers, like the ******* nazi asswipe he so clearly is and asks again, "Paper or plastic?" I''m real tempted to say, "Full metal jacket or hollow point?", but instead I say, "I'll just take them like they are in the produce plastic baggie they are already in!" Then, in a moment of full lucidity, he says, "So, you don't want a bag?"

I woke up several hours later, at home, wondering if it really happened or was it all a bad dream. The only thing that was proof was that on the counter lay a bag of jalapenos....I need to start drinking again.




The guy in line behind me


Got up, too early, had to go to the store for milk and antacid for the Mrs. It's cold as **** out and not much traffic, so I go to the local affiliated. Like I said it's early so the store traffic is light and I walk in and do my shopping. It's a well stocked store, a little pricey, but the only other place is the local walmart and it's farther away and bigger, so it's harder to get in and out real quick. Anyway, I load my hand basket with the items I came for and head to the check out. There's only one cashier working and there's a small line already there, but it looks like each customer only has a few items. It's not like I have a choice anyway so I get in line. The cashier is a trim 70 something female retiree I've seen in here before, and the sacker, his name is Bob. I recall him from when he used to work at the local walmart. I guess he got tired of all the pc crap over there!

Anywho, the first guy in line is some Rambo looking soldier of fortune type, you know, buzz cut, cargo pants, hunters vest and all, and all he has is one little bag of some kind of produce. Looks like he's too old to play soldier. He puts it on the counter, the lady scans it and says "That comes to .27 cents." Bob whisks up the sack of stuff before the guy can grab it and says, "paper or plastic?" Funny, here, the dude opens his wallet, pulls out a dollar and a CC and says right back to him, "paper or plastic!" I almost laughed out loud! Then Grandma Walton tells him again it's .27 cents and he lays the dollar down and old Bob says paper or plastic again! The guy looks at him real funny and then says, "Well Bob, help me out here. You've obviously worked here since the Flintstones and Bedrock, so what kind of a crummy ******* sack would you recommend? I mean which one is better and gives me the best chance of getting my four jalapenos safely home before grandma here calls the PoPo on me?"

Seriously, I thought the old bag was going to wet her pants and Bob, well he just stood there like "WTF?" Then, before anyone could move, Rambo whisked up his stuff and walked out the door, leaving his change on the counter. "Keep the change," he said as he sauntered out of the store.



How the evil checker saw it


I usually don't post this kind of stuff, but the day before yesterday, I had the most awful experience at work. You see, I'm a checker in a small town grocery store and I have to deal with all kinds. We have this one guy that comes in every few weeks, and he really burns my buns! He's always wearing sloppy looking clothes and old work shirts and he never wants to answer my questions! I mean what's the matter with asking if he plays our wonderful monopoly game? He's so anal! He even told me he would not show me his drivers license to buy cigarettes for his wife, of all the nerve! I'd bet he's a Trump voter!

Well, let me start at the beginning.

He came in in day before yesterday and as usual, he came by my check out lane. I looked over at Bob the bag man and gave him my knowing look, so he would be prepared for this miscreant. He walked up and placed a small bag of jalapenos on the counter, and that's all he had! I passed it over the scanner and it rang up .27 cents. Bob looked at him and said "Paper or plastic", like he always does, and this jerk grabbed the bag before Bob could and pulled out a dollar bill and a credit card and said "Paper or plastic?", right back at Bob! I wanted to hit him but he always has this strange looking bulge in his pants so, I knew what that meant. I said, "That will be .27 cents," and he threw his dollar down on the counter and just glared at me, like has was getting sexually aroused or something. What a freak!

Well, the next thing I knew Bob had jumped in and saved the day and asked this dirty man if he wanted paper or plastic, and he asked Bob which one he recommended! Like it made a difference or something! Like he could question us! Well, Bob told him it was up to him and this old bastard started taunting Bob and telling him something about that old Flintstones cartoon and all, and it went right over my head! I don't know what the was talking about! Well I was getting so scared and all I was just about to press the security alert button when he suddenly grabbed his bag of peppers, and walked out without saying another word! I tell you, the nerve of this person asking us paper or plastic. If had a dick, that was where i would have told him to suck it! Bob asked him again about the bag style, but he just kept walking!

I'm so stressed I had to take pill.

Rashomon   (sort of)