Customer "service" phrases that should be OUTLAWED!!!

[inthefrey]

Or, punishable by summary execution?

 

Customer Service phrases that should be OUTLAWED....

1. "For your convenience..."

Translation: "We are going to greatly inconvenience you in order to increase our profit margins by having you wait."

2. "Please remain on the line and we will be with you shortly."

Translation: "Grab a sandwich and fire up YouTube in a side window because you're going to be waiting for a long, long time."

3. "Due to an unusually large call volume..."

Translation: "Due to the fact that we aren't willing to staff up customer service..."

4. "Your call is important to us."

Translation: "You are an expensive annoyance to us."

5. "Our representatives are helping customers just like you."

Translation: "The one person we assigned to do customer service is at lunch."

6. "Your feedback is important to us."

Translation: "We want you to rat out the service reps if they don't suck it up when you yell at them so we can stiff them, come salary review time."

7. "You can find support more quickly on our website."

Translation: "Please go away before we have to pay somebody to help you; we'd rather you waste your time pretending our "AI" can get you a useful answer."

8. "We can't wait to exceed your expectations."

Translation: "We are actively trying, by our service policies and long wait times, to lower your expectations to the depths where you'll be grateful if you end up talking to anything with a pulse."

9. "We appreciate your business."

Translation: "LOL"

9 Customer Service Phrases That Should Be Retired Immediately | Inc.com

 

[gwalchmai]

I despise automated phone "attendants". However, once I finally get to a human things usually go well*.

 

*Unless I'm already so pissed off by the trouble of getting to them that I subject them to a tirade that gives me some satisfaction but rarely helps my actual problem... 

[minderasr]

Just once I'd like to reach someone that actually speaks English as their native tongue.  My hearing isn't what it used to be.  A heavy accent only makes things worse.

[crockett]

"Did you reset your modem yet?"

[Eric]

41 minutes ago, minderasr said:

Just once I'd like to reach someone that actually speaks English as their native tongue.  My hearing isn't what it used to be.  A heavy accent only makes things worse.

I always find it amusing that the obviously very foreign customer service person is named Bob, or Ralph or Suzi. 

[M&P15T]

#1; Please press 1 for _____. Or press 2 for ______. Or press 3 for ______

 

 

[Historian]

11 minutes ago, Eric said:

I always find it amusing that the obviously very foreign customer service person is named Bob, or Ralph or Suzi. 

At the orifice we pay a boat load to have in country support on enterprise systems.  There's a reason why.

But If I am dropping 2.5 million on a product i want to be able to wake someone's sorry arse up at 2:00 AM if it ain't working.

[M&P15T]

11 minutes ago, Eric said:

I always find it amusing that the obviously very foreign customer service person is named Bob, or Ralph or Suzi. 

I've noticed that the Indian call centers think that's a good way to do things. Lie, right off the bat. That's absolutely the best way to start a business relationship.

[crockett]

26 minutes ago, Eric said:

I always find it amusing that the obviously very foreign customer service person is named Bob, or Ralph or Suzi. 

Last week I had very laggy internet access, so I called Spectrum. Needless to say, the toolbag was utterly useless. He called himself Bob Dylan.

We need tariffs on companies outsourcing customer service to any foreign nations. They should be forced to pay a 500% rate on it. 

[Peng]

I've always hatred the phrase money back guarantee.

It's not a guarantee of a product's quality or function,  all it says is you may get your money back when it doesn't work.

[DAKA]

6 hours ago, inthefrey said:

Or, punishable by summary execution?

 

Customer Service phrases that should be OUTLAWED....

1. "For your convenience..."

Translation: "We are going to greatly inconvenience you in order to increase our profit margins by having you wait."

2. "Please remain on the line and we will be with you shortly."

Translation: "Grab a sandwich and fire up YouTube in a side window because you're going to be waiting for a long, long time."

3. "Due to an unusually large call volume..."

Translation: "Due to the fact that we aren't willing to staff up customer service..."

4. "Your call is important to us."

Translation: "You are an expensive annoyance to us."

5. "Our representatives are helping customers just like you."

Translation: "The one person we assigned to do customer service is at lunch."

6. "Your feedback is important to us."

Translation: "We want you to rat out the service reps if they don't suck it up when you yell at them so we can stiff them, come salary review time."

7. "You can find support more quickly on our website."

Translation: "Please go away before we have to pay somebody to help you; we'd rather you waste your time pretending our "AI" can get you a useful answer."

8. "We can't wait to exceed your expectations."

Translation: "We are actively trying, by our service policies and long wait times, to lower your expectations to the depths where you'll be grateful if you end up talking to anything with a pulse."

9. "We appreciate your business."

Translation: "LOL"

9 Customer Service Phrases That Should Be Retired Immediately | Inc.com

 

Sometimes (quite often) you really feel like you should be able to grab one of those "persons" by the throat and choke the **** out of them....(I't probably good that they are in INDIA)

[Historian]

Faux.

Genuine faux pearls.

Such a nice way of saying fake pearls.

[Brad]

Sorta on topic: I think automated email replies such as "I'm out of the office with no email access. I will return on..." should go the way of the dinosaur.

If I had a quarter for every time I've emailed someone, received that reply, and then within an hour get a phone call from them, I could buy a combo meal at least.

This has become an obnoxious email screener at this point. 

[janice6]

34 minutes ago, Historian said:

Faux.

Genuine faux pearls.

Such a nice way of saying fake pearls.

My wife sometimes fauns over a jewelry piece I picked up for her.  Then I remind her frequently, that it is "Gold Toned"!

[Huaco Kid]

"To better serve you...."

[Pima Pants]

"Please listen carefully as our menu options have recently changed". 

How often do they change them? Weekly?

[railfancwb]

5 minutes ago, Pima Pants said:

"Please listen carefully as our menu options have recently changed". 

How often do they change them? Weekly?

They are on a rotary random selection device 

[railfancwb]

And try - just try - to find an email address on their web site should you go there. 

[ChuteTheMall]

"The customer is always right."

False. Sometimes the customer is just too much of an arsehole'

[gwalchmai]

23 minutes ago, Pima Pants said:

"Please listen carefully as our menu options have recently changed". 

How often do they change them? Weekly?

They don't change 'em. They say that to make callers listen to the menu. Otherwise callers will pick the first thing that sounds remotely right. 

[Duluth]

39 minutes ago, ChuteTheMall said:

"The customer is always right."

False. Sometimes the customer is just too much of an arsehole'

We've been running our family businesses for over 35 years. I train the new hires. I tell them, if anyone tells you "the customer is always right", you're allowed to tell them to go f*** themselves. 

It's only happened a few times. 

Our employee retention has been spectacular.   

[Duluth]

The other one is, "We'll meet or beat your expectations."

So you know my expectations?

[Brad]

3 hours ago, Historian said:

Faux.

Genuine faux pearls.

Such a nice way of saying fake pearls.

Sorta like Vegetarian Meat Loaf.

Because vegetarian and meat cancel out, they should've just said "loaf."

[railfancwb]

[Historian]

10 hours ago, Brad said:

Sorta like Vegetarian Meat Loaf.

Because vegetarian and meat cancel out, they should've just said "loaf."

And I'm fine with that...if that's what you want.   Sounds like it would not taste good. 

But what the hell. I did not climb to the top of my food chain to eat just vegies.