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Everything posted by KWalrad

  1. I just put a quarter in the payphone and dialed 1-800-Damn-I-MISS-HANNIE. G30SF/F250 answered the phone.
  2. By far the worst was by a blue-blood NoVa (former) mother-in-law. Chupracabra was a distant second. Border collie comes in third. Right on the left bicep. That was nothing compared to the ass-chewing from that NoVa MIL though. That thing had a rack of teeth that would of made Mister Ed proud. She could eat an apple through a chainlink fence.
  3. Doing 70 down I-30 with the new wife on the back of the bike and having a swarm of bees come up off of the side of the road. I'll never ride with the face shield cracked open again. It happened so fast that I wasn't sure what happened until the wife started pulling out the stingers.
  4. Jeez... I never realized how gummy Stevie is. He looks like he's wearing Flipper's dentures.
  5. I know what I'm missing in the top shot... Pink Snapper. (But just barely.)
  6. El Paso? Brother, you're on the wrong side of the river. $20 in Juarez will get you a donkey show, half a bottle of mescal, and something that AJAX can't scrub off. ($10 will get you the same thing with a FULL bottle of mescal, only difference is you're IN the donkey show.) Vamanos Muchacho!
  7. Inconceivable. That's just crazy talk.
  8. Just a heads-up.... If their nose is running, they're full. Take a pass and move along to Plan B. When in doubt, hose it out. This Public Service Announcement sponsored by Valtrex. Valtrex, not to be confused with Valspar.
  9. "It shoots through schools."
  10. One does not pay a hooker per hour or by day. One pays a hooker TO LEAVE once their purpose has been achieved. ...or so I am told.
  11. As a former Infantryman, I'm proud to have never retreated. I will admit to having performed a "tactical advance to the rear" on occasion though.
  12. A REALLY REALLY GOOD FRIEND will help you bury the body.
  13. You sound just like my first ex-wife.
  14. "Is Rusty still in the Navy, Clark?"
  15. Genius! Ever seen a person so fat that they had to tie a beach towel to the doorknob and straddle it to wipe their butt? Or they had to use the cat?
  16. How do people with only one arm cut their finger nails?
  17. I bought one when my first ex-wife and I honeymooned at the beach. I could never hear the ocean.... but that was due to her incessant nagging.
  18. My father put Thrush mufflers on every vehicle that he owned back then. They usually lasted about a year in the rust belt. I think he owned stock in the company because every Spring out came the car ramps and U-clamps. Actually, I think he preferred laying out in a gravel driveway sucking down Shaeffers and PBRs over listening to his wife cuss him out for buying mufflers that were made out of old Shaeffer and PBR cans.
  19. Imagine making that phone call to the insurance company? "Uh, yeah... Hi, Allstate? You ain't gonna believe this ****...."
  20. That's an easy one to measure. It's half squared of the buttnugget that flew through the BVD tightey-whities, carseat, car floor, and pavement. Those pieces of random flotsam skittering about as the car made the 180 aren't car parts or Boulder refuse. It's poo. That driver didn't just **** his pants, he **** the pants of every occupant in his car and the car that passed him in the other direction. In fact, he may have shat my pants. I'll get back to you on that last part.
  21. Here in Texas it is an annual celebration called "Juneteenth". A number of years ago it was a big celebration in the Dallas inner city.
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